santa cruz wharf

19 June 2009

getting clear

I’ve had a bit of experience with the healing of physical illness and injury.  I have just about zero experience with emotional injury.

It is very difficult for me to have that sense of helplessness you feel when someone you care about is emotionally injured.  

I don’t like being helpless.
I am gifted with strength and ability and faith.
I want to help. To heal.
To be there no matter what.

I listen to them explain their behavior.
Sometimes I am accepting.  

Other times I have to ‘fess up… that um… yeah…
I know it is a deception. 

They believe they deceive for self protection.
Self preservation even. 
But it is deception all the same.

A group effort…others came to their defense…confiding in me how their past hurt them deeply. Stripped them of their beloved lifestyle. Taken away their security and self-esteem. 

The others thought I should be different…but I was being me. The others didn’t like how I am…they called me bossy and pushy.  My presence meant that the others lost influence and were no longer in control. The others were not happy. 
Wild child wisdom pointed out it is not unusual for twenty percent to dislike how I am. It no longer mattered what the others thought. 

I tried being katherine-lite. While my heart ached to see evidence of the emotional damage… I avoided the wounds. I sidestepped the landmines. 

I allowed the deception.

But those type of wounds don’t just heal up or go away by themselves.  When the pain from their past makes a guest appearance in the present, it is so intense, the fragile facade they have built starts to come apart.

As the cracks begin to show, their cover up of choice is anger. Feeling out of control, they lash out.  They fester over what life has dealt them. 
Loved ones to worry about. Financial uncertainty. Hopes dashed. Long range plans derailed. 

Their internal turmoil becomes malignant. 
They scramble destructively to control whatever detail of their life they can.

They have so much pain they can’t control…they start to self-inflict pain that they can.

There is this point in time where I regain clarity…when I yet again point out….gently…and not so gently…what is true…and what is not. 

And with authentic love in my heart…I can no longer accommodate the deception.

I am learning the hard way what I already knew. 

When you allow yourself to be incorporated into deception… you will either become a deceiver…or ultimately… you will be deceived.

17 comments:

Hammer said...

You just explained perfectly why I've removed myself from most personal and family relationships.

I've tried and failed to help and it's so difficult to watch the inevitable train wreck.

Travis said...

I'm not sure I understand, but then I'm certain I do. We can only be who we are, in the best way we know how.

Deb said...

Well. I came over to thank you for leaving a nice comment at my place and then I started reading and then the little hairs on my neck stood up and then I thought somehow you must have got into my head and you were writing about me and then...I felt a connection to your words. Powerful writing. I like the 'home' you have created here. Very honest, very real. I will be back.

I, Like The View said...

hugs

Mel said...

With authentic love in your heart, you are all that you ARE. Being the bearer of truth isn't always an easy gig.

Been there, done that--got the t-shirt and occasionally wear it from time to time....happens when you walk with 'hope', yaknow?

(((((((((( katherine )))))))))))

craig andrew said...

From my perspective, what you just described IS the process of gaining emotional experience and strength. For it is emotional weakness that allows us to fall into that trap, and then as we work and learn to get out of it we come out all the wiser. C:)

Dana said...

I know (I hope) that this wasn't written about me, or for me, but it sure hit home - from both perspectives.

Thank you!

Marilyn said...

Well, a hurtful truth honestly and lovingly delivered beats a comforting lie any day. It's hard for lots of us to make that a way of life so it's good that some others do.

katherine. said...

Hammer: sometimes there are necessary loses. Those train wrecks are sad.

Travis: so true...I can only be who I am...I need to work at being the best I can be.

Deb: thank you and welcome. I enjoyed your place as well. smile.

ILTV: thanks...I needed that

Mel: I know you know...sometimes you just gotta.

Mr C: yeah...emotional weakness can trap us. Learning wisdom can be tough.

Dana: I did not have you in mind at the time...but I can see how it may apply.

Marilyn: A comforting lie is a lie...and not so comforting. I like truth.

Linda said...

Wow.

Sometimes in 'being the best that we can be' we disappoint other people in our lives who want us to be someone else. Thank you for being true to yourself and for yourself no matter what this was about.

Mimi Lenox said...

"And with authentic love in my heart…I can no longer accommodate the deception."

Authenticity is scary stuff.
Uh huh. But a vulnerable you is stronger any day than a builder of deceptive walls for sure.
Courageous living.

Brian Miller said...

wow. moving piece. when we deceive, mostly it is ourselves, and we are only putting off the inevitable. or maybe that's just me. travel light. congrats on POTD nominee.

Spadoman said...

I hid behind deception for a long time. I thought I had to hide. As I know now I have PTSD, (some believe it exists, many don't), I tended to "hide" from reality. I'd change my reality with drugs, alcohol, gambling, running away.
Bottom line is, I accept the inevitability of loneliness as I struggle to be understood.
Now, with healing, (knowledge and experience are healing), I don't have to pretend any more. If I have nothing to say, I don't say anything. If it makes me sad, I say I am sad.
I don't know what issue this post was about, but seems like you have it handled just fine. Just the internal dialogue that ruffles you a bit.

Peace in your heart and in the hearts of all.

Moannie said...

I hear you, I feel what you felt, but...I have to be there trying not to deceive.

ellen abbott said...

I've been on the receiving end of a person full of anger trying to deceive himself that he has dealt with the thing paining him. Instead he dealt it out to me. Happy ending though, a crash and burn and a healing.

I'm also the one who blurts out the truth others don't want to hear. Lost a lot of friends that way.

The Teamster said...

sometimes it's self deception...one not wanting to believe the truth even when it's being told/shown to them

Desert Songbird said...

Sometimes being true to oneself is a tough pill to swallow. In the end, however, it's the best path to follow. If you are true to yourself, then there are no lies.