wild child wisdom

a few months ago I embroiled myself in a mess with my sister, who is seven years younger. I had some stuff going on in my life....I completely confided with my kids, but only partially with our mother....and not at all with my sister. Her anger and hurt at my refusal to provide her with all the intimate details of my life, led to rehashing twenty-some years worth of instances and issues that she thinks I should have handled differently. The conversation ended badly with me admitting I did not consider her part of my "inner circle" and telling her she better get use to the fact I will never be a sister of the "Hallmark Card" variety. At times, I do not argue fairly. I absolutely have zero bandwidth for discussion from her on how I parent...or other choices I make in my personal life. She has since stated publicly that I do not want her to be part of my life....and has refused to be present where I am....except for major family events and holidays.

My Mama suffers from this greatly. So... I suggested we all might want to go out for coffee or breakfast or something. Try to rebuild some communication. (Can't we all just get along?) I have some ownership in this after all. Once we had a place and time...my defense mechanisms start to kick in...and true to form I confide in my daughter who sent me the following:

You need to have an intermediate level of indifference in regards to your sister.

You need to be the better person no matter how childish she acts - but NOT trumpet or tout the fact that you are being the better person - that negates it.

You can defend yourself and lies against you, but you need to be mild mannered in your defense, no matter how hard she tries to get your goat.

Tonight is not an open bitch session for the two of you. You are getting together to make things easier for your mother, and that should be your focus, not justice for yourself against your sister.

Not all problems need to fixed tonight - or ever.

You and your sister do not need to be best friends. You just need to have a feasible relationship to be in the company of one another for you Mother's sake - remember your Mother? - who is sick and aging?

Do not attack, and don't defend (much).

If she comes at you saying something that is not true about how you feel, or what you've said or done - do not focus on how she is wrong or lying or confused or whatever. Instead, reiterate the correct point or whatever she is screwing up.

and watch your eyerolling and sighing!!!