return from absentia

I have no single reason for stepping out of the weblog rotation for the past month.  It isn’t the first time…and probably won’t be the last. There are a couple dozen small, yet viable, reasons and events which would provide explanation for being absent.  But they are tedious…for the most part the minutia of everyday life.

My life and my personality are non-linear.  Like many of you I have the whole “when it rains it pours”  lifestyle.  I hate being “in a rut” but sometimes I pray for a rut to fall into.  The past couple months have been blessed with new and exciting adventures which have thrown any hope for organization into a tailspin. I have been plagued by plans which have gone awry.  I’m not at my best lately.  I function better when my expectations dovetail with my discipline.  I so need to practice being better at rolling with the punches.  

And…my weblog life is out of control….seriously OUT OF CONTROL.  There are four very specific groups of people who have weblogs that I am part of.  By “part of” I mean that I comment on and participate in.  They have a sense of who I am…and I feel a connection to them personally…even if I have never met them face to face or spoken to them on the phone.  Most of you who are reading this are figuring out which group you are in.  

In my Reader…sigh…I follow 244 weblogs.  One or two are inactive.  Many post multiple times a day.  Quite a few are current event, news, political and informational.  But there are really just too ephn’ many. I need to pare it down to a reasonable daily list.  And a few more I read once a week. And maybe a list of blogs I look through once a month or so.  It has gone from overwhelming to unmanageable.  Apparently…More is not better.

And lastly…to my sincere dismay…I have become reticent.

Reticent
from the Latin reticens,  present participle of reticēre to keep silent,  inclined to be silent or uncommunicative in speech restrained in expression, presentation, or appearance.

I suppose it was inevitable, given the pervasive nature of “social networking” that the circles in my life crossed over.  When I originally set up this weblog just over three years ago…it was originally intended to be sort of an online scrapbook.  A place for me to jot down the stories I tell…and retell..and overtell…so as not to annoy those closest to me. 

Very quickly this also became a place for my thoughts and feelings and imaginings.  Mostly life stories…a few pieces of fiction.  For a while, I kept it all to myself and my kids, although I believe only Rhiannon reads it (it was her idea afterall.)   They know me and my past and my foibles intimately.  There wasn’t much on here they weren’t already aware of.

However a series of situations…in the natural course of events…made my weblog life quite a bit less private.  I let The Teamster in on the blog’s existence… I felt not to was somehow dishonest…full disclosure and all.   A couple people I know in my “brick and mortar” life have weblogs and we became connected.  For the most part, no big deal.  And then….there is Facebook.  Sometimes I totally enjoy and appreciate the connectivity it avails to me.  And some days I regret the day I signed up and loathe the ways it has connected me.

Through various channels and portals it is apparent that a couple of people who know me in real life have followed the breadcrumbs and ended up here…wading through my stream of consciousness.   

For the most part that would be no big deal.  Upon review, there are only a handful of posts that I would hesitate over.  Most of them involve a painful moment of my past…or one of the many instances of my questionable judgment.  However some people who know me come to “lurk” and neglect to mention they have been here at all.  

While I’ve never been annoyed by strangers who lurk but never comment,  when people I know come by repeatedly and read and have never mentioned they’ve been here…nor have ever commented on a post…that raises my eyebrows. 

Maybe they don’t know that I know they’ve been here?  There is obviously more to this…maybe I’ll try and explain another time.

I miss each of you…and I miss you all.  I miss posting…and I miss reading tremendously.  I am sure I will regret all of what I have missed.

I’m going through my Reader today…with a brutal discipline…making sub-lists to create a reasonable batch of weblogs I can read daily without it becoming a marathon.   I’m going to figure out a routine for my weblog.   I’ll probably make a few changes…introduce a new subject or two.  Most importantly get back to the place where what I write is authentic to me and my need to write. 

So…Happy New Year.
Thanks for coming back.