santa cruz wharf

09 December 2007

words to the wild child.

We have always been like Lorelei and Rory…freakishly linked. How many times have I called from the road to say, “hey I’m almost there…wake up...we need to talk” like some sort of early maternal warning system?

You’re a couple now. I can’t just descend upon you before the everlovin’ crack of dawn with twelve minutes notice, bagels and donuts.

I stare at the phone in my hand. I’m an e-phn coward for crying out loud. Crying…not so loud. Dialing…deep breathing…throat clearing…“hey sugarcookie” small talk…et cetera…. Then I pause…"hey sweetie…I’m gonna wreck your day”

I wait for your transition… I hear your soft “okay”…

And...I...just...tell you…cause she’s your Gammer-Kay. There are no easy words. She wants you to know. She wants to talk with you herself…about what it is…about what it means. But…she doesn’t want to actually tell you. You are her “sweet pea.” She is the one you take after…you are two peas in a pod. I just tell you….and you cry….and I cry….and I am thankful you have someone there with you who loves you.

You ask about the kids. And no…I can’t tell the kids yet. They don’t react well when I cry. They feel anxious but they display anger. I can’t tell them…“My Mama now has what your Mama died from” I can’t tell them yet.

damn. Damn. DAMN.
I thought we had won already. I thought we had this beat. “We”… ha…that’s a joke. It wasn’t me…I didn’t do anything.

You remind me to be careful. You know the first time when I passed out cause I hadn’t slept in the better part of a week and running up the staircase made me dizzy. You know the second time when on the way back I chose scraping and sparking along the center divider rather than playing tag with the big rig at 60 miles an hour. ( I never told my Mama about either…cause I didn’t want her to worry about ME. I didn’t want her using her energy on ME. I don’t want anyone thinking I am not handling it well…I want everyone to think I’m battling)

Battle

the war-cry of an archangel
Although I am not the one under attack…again.
I am willing to enter into battle…again.

It is not my fight…
but it is our battle

There is nothing I can do to stop it.
However... I will battle.

Weapons of choice:
knowledge and information....data and details
(dear God I love the internet)
laughter and aromasin...cabernet and chocolate
All laced with prayer…a whole lotta prayer….

I am not ready….NOT READY…to face this battle…
god DAMN it…I thought we had won already.

20 comments:

Linda said...

Oh Katherine ... I am so sorry. I'm sure you will give this battle everything you can and I hope you beat the enemy back. Sending a mental hug and wishes for strength!

Matt-Man said...

Sorry Kat. No matter what happens, I think I know you well enough to know that regardless of any situation or any outcome, that things will be better for others because you are in the mix. Cheers and good luck.

Mel said...

Bring your better angel....

(((((( katherine ))))))

I seems like a small thing, that hug--but really, it's a huge and filled with all sorts of intense emotions for you, for the kiddos, for sugarcookie--for Gramma-Kay.

I hope you know--but just just in case you've forgotten.... you're loved bunches and lotsa.
You're all being prayed for.

Bring your better angel.

(please, please take care....)

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

sending prayers your way honey...

smiles, and hugs, bee

craig andrew said...

C:( Best wishes...

And swing away.

Jeff B said...

As soon as I hit 'publish comment' I'll be bowing my head in a prayer for encouragement and strength for you and your family.

Mimi Lenox said...

Katherine - This tore at my heart. I am so sorry. I was holding my breath the whole time reading it. You have our prayers as well.
Take care of YOU dear. Know there are people who care about you in the blogosphere.

Travis said...

Going through it once before doesn't make going through it again any easier, but it does give you a path.

It's going to be what it is. Your only choice is in how you work through it.

It sure does suck though.

Crazy Working Mom said...

Bless your heart, Katherine. Sending good thoughts your way and lots of prayers.

Tisha @ CrAzY Working Mom

david mcmahon said...

Dear Katherine,

I know - really know - what is going through your mind because we went through exactly the same situation a year ago.

We thought we had it beaten too.

To every single member of your family, from every single member of my family, we wish you strength, hope, fortitude and most of all, faith.

God bless

David

Kai said...

Oh Katherine.... please know that all the hugs, love and prayers in the world are coming your way from me.

Be strong sweetie.

Roger said...

Good thoughts & prayers to you Katherine you are a fighter!!

Dixie said...

Sending prayers for you Katherine. I'm so very sorry to hear this.

MUCH PRAYER... MUCH POWER!!!!!

Lois Grebowski said...

I'm familiar with the feeling... hugs, thoughts and prayers...

Mags said...

I hate that I can't comment while I'm at work...

BIG HUGS to an amazingly strong and inspirational woman...Trav is 100% right. It will be what it is. It's how you deal with it that will make the difference.

And you can.
And you will.

Lots of love...

Marilyn said...

I'm so sorry... it feels like those words are never enough, but I'm so sorry, and I'll pray too.

Odat said...

I am just so sorry...but ya know, you'll get thru this....it's good to get it out and get all these positive waves coming in your direction.....
Peace and (((((((((((hugs)))))))))

Bond said...

Katherine...Having never met you face to face might matter to some, but we have a family here in the bloggosphere and I want you to know how sad this post had made me...Trav posted a video last week and the key message was 'don't give up, never give up'

You are one strong lady (the guardrail was a better choice then the rig) and I am confident you will give all the strength you have in this situation...

A Simple Statement said...

Katherine,
I hope you don't mind, I was blob surfing and came across yours.
From my understanding you have fought this battle before, this tells me you are a winner once and this tells me you have the stuff to win again.
I will pray that you reach out and touch His Robe that will heal you. I pray that you will have the faith that you can be and will be healed.
You are in control of the enemy who is trying to defeat you.
You can win.
Stomp on the enemy's head and tell him because of the Cross he was defeated and he still is.

((((Katherine))))
May God bless you

A Simple Statement said...

ooops....blog surfing

*sheepishly turning red)